He or She?

today facebook asked me whether it
should refer to me as a “he” or a “she”
(’cause obviously it got confused).

thing is: I am not so sure…

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Watching Her Masturbate.

Last night I had the privilege of witnessing
something most beautiful.
Drawn to my window by the soundtrack
of Moulin Rouge echoing through the night
and the sixth district – I saw her.
Some 20 windows away there she was, dancing.
Dancing the night away. Her body bending.
Legs and arms in the air. Spinning. She left
herself and everything else behind.
Feeling the music. Taking it. Making it hers.
Like mist rising from a deserted beach.
Like sunset over the ocean.
Like the tide coming and going.
Bigger than you and me.
Bigger than any god created in the filthy mind
of any human being.

Something to bow to.

Transfixed I had to watch. Feeling ashamed but
unable to walk away. I had to look.
Like watching someone masturbate it was the
most intimate thing.

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Walls.

Alone I have withdrawn – once again – into my cage.
Silently the walls scream at me. Different voices from
different angles saying things that were supposed to
make sense.

If you jump you best jump far.

I read their words but they have lost all meaning
somewhere through time and space. And so the
walls become what they are in the first place.
Thresholds to a world they have forced upon me.

I see the smoke. I smell the fires.
What the hell are we waiting for?

Inside those walls and far away I have settled into
my universe. A universe devoid of stars, gathering
dust and mildew.

Sink or swim.

Here in this universe on my black planet I am
observing my insides and outside. But what I
see angers me resulting in a sad confusion. I am
failing to understand. Squinting, I am trying
hard to see something to clinch to.

and how I wish…

“You know, these things happen.” She says and
– although I know she knows better – I can feel
her guilt. “Yes.” I say. Taking what is hers and
smiling into the abyss.

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Throwing Things Out.

I’m in the process of throwing things out.
If I could, I would throw myself out.

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Tick-Tock.

The phone turned off
I am refusing to check
my messages.
I know it is nothing more
than patheticly neurotic
but still it gives me the
feeling of stopping the
gruesome ticking-away
of time.
This constant ticking.

tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock, …

By the way, today’s fortune
cookie says:

Strangely I find this hard
to believe.

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Eyes Wide Shut III. or. Sleep. Oh Solemn Sleep IV.

And here we are again.
Sleepless in Vienna.

My new glasses make everything
look fisheyey and in result i have
a constant feeling of nausea.

Staring into the screen, there is
no salvation as i am hating my
guts; well, actually the hole
package.

Coffee?

Some floors down breaks are squeaking
and behind me a technical device is
making strange noises while in the
next room my boyfriend is asleep for
at least another 120 minutes.

Punctuation is playing hide and seek
with me but i am not moving. What
i can’t make out from where i am sitting
doesn’t exist.

And in the beginning there was nothing
like until the end nothing will ever be.

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Alive.

[Ray]
He wants what we all want.
He wants to feel alive

Dead Like Me 2×11

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Kylie-Geili.

Dancing with my dear Marsenbörger and Le Larittett
I feel freedom spreading itself through my body,
leaking through my every pore.

It feels easy – the weight been lifted – moving,
laughing, drinking, being happy, once without the
burden of the fake.
So that’s what life was supposed to be?

Normally I would be mourning for the lost parts of it.
The parts gone to shit by this suffocating fear.
But still, I wasn’t alone, he was there. This is not fiction.
It’s reality – and so just out of the corner of my eye I saw her,
he was tailing me. The black dog. But the distance
kept growing until what was left was the mere knowledge
of her existence.

No time for regrets… Not this time. Not now.

Kylie is singing and we are spinning.
Dancing like the Derwisch I can feel it: something has
opened up. A seal has been broken and I am praying
to the gods to leave this one unfixed.

Lights shining, bingo-arms flapping, I am surrounded
by all the gays of this little town and I feel fine.
The girls behind the bar are laughing with me, at me…
Whatever, I am laughing at it all. For now.

And she says: On a night like this I want to stay for ever.

(the verdict: age appropriate)

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Somewhere.

Niemandsland | Webgasse 7 – Stumpergasse 10, Wien

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Time.

[Saul]
I want my time back.

[Kevin]
That’s the one trick non
of us can pull off.

Brothers & Sisters 2×15

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That’s Life, Is It …

I don’t know what to say,
nor what to do.

Probably there is nothing to say
or do.

I can feel the pain, as it is wrapping
itself over everything. It is demanding
everyone without any hesitation because
it knows – being part of life – it’s its right.

Leaving doors and windows open
I’m trying to embrace what is coming
through.

No one chooses, because that’s life.

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The Changing Weather.

Chris died as did his brother.
Cassie didn’t join the circus after all
but left for NY, damaged beyond
repair – while Sid demanded answers.
I felt stupid, even pathetic, but to be
honest, watching it, sadness washed
over me like the tide washing over
long lost things.

Now my body is aching, aching
for substance abuse of any kind and
i can feel a migraine coming on.
It’s the changing weather. It’s always
the changing weather that makes me
feel sick. The controls being torn out
of my hands, I’m spinning.

Spinning in time and space.

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Livingly Dying.

[…] We know a lot about the course of untreated depression, probably more than we do about very long-term antidepressant use in this population. We know, for example, that depression in young people is a very serious problem; suicide is the third-leading cause of death in adolescents, not to mention the untold suffering and impaired functioning this disease exacts.

By contrast, the risk of antidepressant treatment is small. A 2004 review by the Food and Drug Administration, analyzing clinical trials of the drugs, did show an elevated risk of suicidal thinking and nonlethal suicide attempts in young people taking antidepressants — 3.5 percent, compared with 1.7 percent of those taking a placebo. But since the lifetime risk of actual suicide in depressed people ranges from 2.2 to 12 percent, risk from treatment is dwarfed by the risks of the disease itself.

Still, what do we know about the effects of, say, 15 to 20 years of antidepressant drug treatment that begins in adolescence or childhood? Not enough. […]

By RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN, M.D.
Published: April 15, 2008 The New York Times

What I know is, that 15 to 20 years
of a life worth living is 15 to 20 years
more than I was in for.

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Running Me Sick.

Time is running, always running.
Not so much running out than
just running.
From what or why, no one knows.
It seems to be one of the biggest
mysteries these days – the running time.

„Hello Time. Can you please stop.
Just stop for a moment. I’ve got some serious
catching up to do. Stop, please… No?“

No one ever stops. Not time. Not uncertainty.
Not fear. Not confusion. Not hate nor love.
Unless we drop dead…

I feel sick. maybe it’s the poison.
The doctor, she said this could happen.
I don’t even know if she was a real doctor.
I mean a physician.
(She certainly wasn’t THE Doctor, sadly enough.)

(Uuupsi. Totally forgot about the eggs.
Probably they are boiled to stone already.)

THE Doctor is on his way back
from Pompeii. Where to, I am thrilled
to find out this Sunday. It’s something
about the Oods…

Anyschissl, where was I? Right, feeling sick.
I’m still feeling sick. Sick and hot. Maybe I’ve got
a fever? Does one have fevers these days, one might ask.
Or is it just running time, chasing us along? Chasing Amy?
No, that was something else.

Well, what I’m certain of is the rash on my chest.

Time to go to bed, I guess.

Right, the eggs…

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I Have a Dream.

Tonight i dreamt of a third season Torchwood.
Strangely someone else than John Barrowman
played Captain Jack. Even more strangely this
someone had a full beard. And most strangely Ianto
was nowhere to be seen. Well, i guess it was just the trailer.
Anyway, Gwen was still played by the lovely Eve Myles
and as usual it all happened in the sewers.

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